By Mike Heenan
Literary Editor
CBC-RADIO NEWS TORONTO
SLOOOOWWWW NEWSDAY….Davido Craigomellobello reporting ….in his most Serious Baritone….
"Twenty-three more Moussabanians were senselessy slaughtered yesterday in what unconfirmed sources reported as yet another family squabble in the former Cassarabian capital city of Doulababia, now known as Ticklemearse in the heartland of the former state of Oupsididdle.
Two and one-half Canadian nuns were found shaken, but not habitually stirred, near the family home:
"I’m absolutely stunned," said Sister Marie-Antoinette Montebello. "They were such a loving family, and the kids were just learning fast reload on the Kalashnikovs."
"I’ll be darned," added Sister Colmey Comebychance from Newfoundland. "We were just into our second Martini for Mother Cabrini and they drove in and opened up on us on the Royal Terrace."
Only one casualty was reported:
Half an American Novitate was found with the Keys to The Kingdom dangling from her outstretched unmentionables.
Reached at the Mammoublia Press Club, the Canadian Consul wandered off to the Ladies Room mumbling, "Goddamned CIA arseholes…."
The US Embassey confidentially denied any involvement and oficuallyy reported they "had lost no assets during the entire operation" in which they were not involved.
Prime Minister Harper has not responded.
On the lighter side of the news, well-known CBC pundit and international academic wall-banger, Vallallay Hazamagucchi was today awarded the annual Trinity College Award from the University of Toronto for the most prouncavable name in Canadian Academia.
Margaret Atwood honked snidely through the introductory Award with her working nostril while the redoubtable loudmouth Barry Callaghan bellowed, "You wouldn’t a known Hogs’ Howlow if my old man hadn’t brung y’all here!"
Dr. Hazamagucchi, a World Class Rugby Player, giggled a litte while admitting he’d been born in Hamilton and worked his way through Grad School Golden Gloves thataway.
The Award is annually granted to the graduate student who makes himself most incomprehensible to his advisor to the point where the advisor writes the damn thesis for hin and and chucks yet another incompetent Dr.Godblessmysoul into our Canadian Nuclear Soup.
Train & Equip Canadian Infantry.
Mike Heenan BA, BJ, MA
Wordsmith~On~Call
1-613-230-4640
mikeheenan@rogers.com
www.oiw.ca